Self-Care

Self Care is a tricky business. And frankly, I bristle when asked “What do you do for Self Care?” I know, I know, I know; people “mean well” when they ask the question. But here’s the thing: when one is asked a question, it is assumed that a response is expected. This carries a certain weight with it. I’m expected to tell what my self-care regimen is. Then what? What if it doesn’t meet the questioner’s criteria? I am left – and it has happened – with the task of justifying my choices for self-care. That is not helpful. That “well-meaning question” has put me on the defense, has made me uncomfortable, and depending on who has asked, has been just a bit too personal.

Besides, self-care needs to be fluid. It won’t – it can’t – be the same from one day to the next. I was doing yoga. It was great. Then COVID came along. The owner and instructors at the yoga studio went above and beyond to make practice available online. I set up a little area down by the fireplace and even have an ersatz rope wall, which is great. Then John took a downturn, and I have not been able to be in the online class. I can’t be out of earshot, in case he needs help. So what was part of my self-care has to be set aside for now.

There are lots of little things a person can do for self-care. To be expected to explain – and then possibly justify – those things is an added stressor, at least for me, and that negates actions I take to reduce stress for myself.

I have had people ask me that who frankly have no business asking me. They ask because they think that makes them sound “woke.” But they ask it with the expectation of a satisfying answer, yet have nothing to offer by way off recommendation or support. Again, not helpful. To those “well-meaning” people I have on occasion answered with an equally impertinent “I masterbate and drink gin straight out of the bottle.”

There are appropriate ways to broach the subject when one feels the need to inquire about a caregiver’s self-care. A subtly underwritten “Tell me your regimen so I may give my approval” is not one of those ways. In non-pandemic times, it might be “Is there something I can do to help you have time to spend on self-care?” Or, “We would love to stop by and hang out so you can run an errand or have a quiet coffee somewhere.” At this point, about all I can do is sit in the car or drive around, which I do with my sweetie as a pleasant activity, anyway.

I’m not really bitching, here, and I’m not suggesting any of you are guilty of breaching boundaries. I’ve had folks I’ve never even met in person offer kindnesses and help beyond anything I could or should expect. It’s lovely, and I am so grateful. But again, self-care, especially in the age of COVID, is complicated. Especially now that I can’t drink gin, anymore (allergies, if you can believe it). Even so, I never did drink it straight out of the bottle.